Baddie Funny Status Messages

   I'd probably get laid a lot more if I were in prison.

   Wait a second, you guys have friends in real life?

   I can either be on time or wearing pants. Pick one.

   Don't talk to me unless you're a dog.

   I am a woman, hear me sharpen my claws.

   Let's just call a restraining order what it really is......a challenge

   Sometimes I just want the UFC commentator to be like "Personally, I think he's trying to f cuk him...but I'm no expert, Joe."

   Today is one of those days, so unless you're bringing me a beer DO NOT come within slapping reach!

   My wife was choking so I quickly googled "how to save a life" Was a good song to drown out the noise she was making.

   Let's play: "Put my you-know-what, in your you-know-where."

   I'm not really your friend until I start insulting you on a daily basis.

   That'll do girls obsessed with horses. That'll do.

   Things were going good, so of course I f cuked it up by being myself.

   Sir your resume just says 'FUN' in huge letters and then you list all the crimes you've committed.

   Every time I see you I ask myself why the hell are you still alive.

   Bacon would never leave you at the altar.

   Anyone else find it disgusting when someone in the shower slides the bar soap between their cheeks to clean themselves? Asking for my wife.

   When I said "We have chemistry between us" I just meant I roofied your drink

   If she eats pizza with a fork, she isn't going to like being bent over the dining room table.

   It's a beautiful day for a nice run to the liquor store.