Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've seen enough episodes of "Cops" to know that you should avoid all people with blurry faces....

   One man’s LOL is another man’s WTF.

   Only thing good about "good morning" is the breakfast tacos

   I don’t care how old you are, the only safe way to guarantee the monster under the bed doesn’t grab you is to use the run and jump method

   Any amusement you may have experienced from my past posts are in no way a guarantee of future performance.... Please initial here and sign here.

   I haven't been able to stop crying since that stranger on the internet said that they didn't like me...

   Why is it that we attacked Iraq for supposedly having weapons of mass destruction (which they didn't) meanwhile North Korea is bragging they have nukes and are threatening us with them and we just twiddle our thumbs!

   Snooze option must be the most pressed button in the morning :D

   I like my women so intelligent that it takes me days to realize I was insulted.

   If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.

   Kristen Stewart looks pretty good for someone who's facial expression is always "I murdered someone"

   BBC: North Korea's Kim Jong-un threatening nuclear attack against US. CNN: North Korea may be a nuclear threat. Fox News: I like turtles.

   I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.

   If you've ever seen a woman masturbate, it's odd they're not better at video games.

   Someone should tell North Korea that if you want to nuke someone, you probably shouldn't give them a progress report every week.

   Women will stop crying if you start licking the tears off their cheeks and tell them how delicious their life force is. I think.

   Jesus died (temporarily for 3 days) for your sins (then resurrected with sweet superpowers). So you (really don't) owe him anything.

   I've never met a vegan I didn't immediately hate.

   They just caught your girlfriend on river monsters

   Leave North Korea alone. It’s like making fun of the retarded kid who eats crayons.