Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I ain't invited to dinner I could care less about what you made!

   people who text hey and then say nothing after you respond are seriously demented

   it's better to lose a lover than to love a loser

   I found some dignity. If no one claims it in 24 hours, I'm keeping it.

   Stop talking.... Listen.... Maybe you're the problem.

   Telling a woman to calm down while she is drunk works about as well as baptizing a cat.

   I just ran butt ass naked through Walmart yelling "Stop that shoplifter! she got my clothes!"

   just woke up, stepped outside took a deep breath, smiled, and waved at all the neighbors...then realized I'm ONLY wearing my pink slippers!

   I think one of the greatest regrets I'm going to have later on in life is that I've never participated in a Harlem Shake video...

   Maintain your vehicle before your check engine light turns into a silhouette of a hand giving you the finger.

   Thanks outlook, but I dont need you to tell me that I have a very clean inbox!

   What if firemen acted like policemen and just drove around shooting water at anyone who looked like they might catch on fire.

   I hated Obama back when it wasn't cool to hate Obama.

   You'd think dogs would be at least a little embarrassed with their buttholes just hanging out like that. But no!!!!

   My girlfriend wanted a serious relationship. Now we don't smile at each other.

   Sometimes, distance is the only attractive thing.

   On your mark. Get set. Go get lost.

   There are 3 types of women: Those you cant live without, those you can’t live with and those you live with.

   Why did the chicken cross the road? To escape North Korea's long range missiles.

   With great power comes great difficulty in factorizing the polynomial.