Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The best way to ruin my day is by asking me, "How's life treating you?" or "What's new?".

   Vegas - Where women proudly show off their legs. San Francisco - Where men do the same.

   Don't fool yourself, give others a chance also.

   If you love someone set them free. If they comeback, probably it was a Fast & The Furious Movie.

   One man's birthday is another man's free liquor day.

   She: Your cute. Me: My cute what?

   Anybody else wonder why Noah didn't swat the two mosquitoes?

   They say if you have a fear of spiders you are more likely to find one in your bedroom..............I'm really afraid of Mila Kunis.

   Having a bucket list sounds like work. No thank you.

   After a few decades, everyone you know will be dead. Problem solved.

   can't we just assume everyone loves their children and hates cancer??

   Facebook needs a dismember button.

   Never send Dennis Rodman to N.Korea to do Chris Brown's job.

   I love my lucky rabbit's foot because nothing says good fortune like the severed limb of an adorable, defenseless, woodland creature.

   Walmart is a Zoo for people.

   I don't want to 'complete' anyone, I would rather date someone that already has their sh*t together....

   If losing me wrecked your life, you seem to have forgotten what having you did to mine...

   Not sure how these ducks got into this Starbucks. Or teenage girls. Hard to tell really.

   My Ultra Sensitive toothpaste doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes.

   At the start of a relationship her snoring is gentle music. 5 years later you loom over her with a pillow and a distant look in your eye.