Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Attention: Tonight's anticipated "northern lights" will not be presented. Due to US Government budget cuts...they were cancelled just like the US Navy Blue Angels and US Air Force Thunderbirds demo teams.

   Free hugs! (Deluxe hugs $2.00)

   I'll never understand those people who say, "I mainly use facebook for my family." And I'm thinking to myself..."Umm...isn't that what real life is for?"

   Hang 'em up, Kobe. Black Mamba is done.

   If everybody's working for the weekend that means someone has been working for the week and they need to be stopped.

   Honey you used so much oil, the US wants to invade your plate!

   They say not to go grocery shopping when you are hungry. Not good to go pinteresting when you are hungry either.

   first he Cheats on his wife than he cheats in Golf!!!! Dam You tiger Woods!! lolol

   *Breaking News: North Korea missile test delayed due to problems with Windows 95.

   Panic over. you can sleep safe in your beds. I've sent Kim Jong a McDonalds Happy Meal & he's calmed down.

   Wake up on a strangers couch...check...use GPS to find out where I am....check ....walk to eat alone....check....return Tyson's Tiger...

   I’m looking for a new personal trainer, the last one didn’t work out.

   If cartoons can wear the same clothes everyday then so can I dammit.

   My tombstone will probably say, "Dead, but finally sober".

   I can't believe North Korea are now threatening Japan with nukes. They're still squinting from the last two.

   Just had an idea for a musical - How do you solve a problem like Korea...

   hey Golf Channel, instead of yapping about golf for 4 hours, how about showing some actual golf??

   A-Rod, Kobe and Tiger ... perhaps the three most arrogant athletes of our time ... all had pretty bad Fridays.

   If all my friends were to jump off a bridge, I wouldn't jump with them, I'd be at the bottom to catch them

   I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won't think I'm happy to see them.