Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I used to worry that today's kids will ruin the planet when they grow up until I realized most the adults I know are idiots...

   Me and the missus have got an aviary at home, but one of our birds of prey will only exercise at night to 80s music. Our Kestrel Manoeuvres In The Dark....

   I'm not saying not to trust the internet, but there's an alarming discrepancy between the number of iPads I've won, and the number of iPads I actually own...

   Congress is now drafting new legislation that would make it mandatory for anyone purchasing this appliance to be entered into a national pressure cooker database. Details at 11

   Nothing is better than a woman getting in touch with herself. Especially if she lets me watch.

   Do midgets still start their childhood stories off with, "When I was little"?

   I'm sick of women who label themselves as a BBW. All of you who say you're a BBW are just Big Bodied Whales. Stop trying to make yourself feel better for being 5'5 and 200 lbs by saying you're a big beautiful woman.

   Don’t fear anything; just try and understand it before you kill it.

   Found a bag of marijuana at work last week, and like any responsible employee, I disposed of it. In a series of small fires

   How about we start being thankful everyday, and have a holiday once a year called Complainsgiving?

   You're 15 years old. You smoke. You're not a virgin and you wear more make-up than you do clothes. You have a bright future ahead of you.

   Domestic terrorism is when my cleaning lady whacks me upside the head with a broom.

   Memo to Lindsay Von. When it ends badly, EVERYONE saw it coming except the Kardashians...

   I was devastated to hear about the bombings in Boston yesterday. Now, I'm all smiles hearing about the 7.8 earthquake that hit Pakistan and Iran today.

   There's only one thing I hate more than lying, skim milk. Which is water thats lying about being milk.

   Get fat with me so I know it's real.

   In an instant it shook our faith in humanity. Watching people run towards the blast in the next instant restored it.

   I just can't stop thinking of all the people who signed my yearbooks that I have let down by failing to "stay cool"

   Post a cute picture of you kid, 3 likes. Post a picture of your new boat, 53 likes. Conclusion: Nobody gives a crap about your kids but your mom and your sister.

   Sadly we often see the best in humanity only after times of great tragedy...