Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Men who don’t understand women fall into two categories: Bachelors and Husbands.

   If you don't use your partner as a hand and foot warmer, you're not in a real relationship

   "Pay attention to me when I'm ignoring you" -women

   "Just because you can't dance, doesn't mean you shouldn't dance" -Alcohol

   Bi&ches take pictures with bra and panties and post it for a million strangers to see. Then say they wifey material, no bi&ch you strip club material..

   Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors...

   I nicknamed my Grandma Nicki Minaj because she says the same things over and over again and she scares me.

   You can trust fat people. We don't do crimes it's too much work. We just want to eat and watch the food network.

   Don't Lie To The Love Of Your Life ..... For The Hoe Of The Night !!!

   PRO PARENTING TIP: 1. Take pictures of you pulling baby out of spacecraft in forest... .2. Hide pictures in attic for kid to find when he's ten... 3. When he asks you about the picture, stare silently into the ceiling for 10 min. then make chirping noise

   Guys, never give up. If a girl doesn't reply to your text, call her. If she doesn't answer, knock on her door. They love a persistent man.

   5 symptoms of laziness --> 1.

   why do companies match others prices? If you can't save me money I'll just shop where I'm at!!

   Married Men are always wrong, period. Or no period. ;)

   Men it’s simple. Work all day, fix things in the evenings, paint the house, wash the cars and dogs on the weekend and give us 100% of your attention…

   Tip for women; All men really want is to be close to someone who will leave them the hell alone.

   You don't have to be smart, good looking or wealthy to make someone happy.

   Hey North Korea... It's no coincidence one of our atomic bombs was once named "Little Boy"

   Sorry, but your kids don't look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.

   If your kids don't shut the hell up and rock when "Sad But True" starts playing, you've failed them as a parent.