Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Cop: did you see that sign? Me: yeah I saw the sign,..and it opened up my eyes I saw the sign, Cop: out of the car

   Dear girl in Walmart, Yes it is summer but your shirt and shorts are way too small and you look like a half opened can of biscuits. Sincerely, The guy in line behind you clawing out his eyeballs..

   When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive, to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to drink a cold Beer.....

   It's funny how after an argument is over you begin to think about more clever things you should have said...

   You can tell it’s spring by:- The emergence of muffin tops, the flapping of bingo wings and sightings of socks with crocs!!

   Explaining G A why marriages to Jesus when he returns is the least of our problems. Explaining Justin Bieber, Kardashians, Gangnam style is what we should be worried about.

   Facebook wants me to reconnect with a lot of girls who's boobies I touched when I was 16.

   Now I lay her down to eat, I pray her pus*y don't smell like feet. But if it smells to bad to lick, I pray she's good at sucking di*k. Amen

   If I ever get arrested, my one phone call will be to the police station to do a bomb scare. I'm not spending the night in there.

   Whoever named them "urinal cakes" has grossly overestimated their love for cake.... On a different note, what is the strongest toothpaste available?

   Hey guy in the car behind me... Honking your horn isn't going to help me type any faster.

   I cross my legs when I sit on the toilet, for I am a classy gentleman.

   A moment of silence for all the brave coffee beans that gave their lives, so millions of people can get through another day.

   Dear coworkers, please understand that my headphones on are the international sign for "leave me the hell alone."

   Women spend too much money on stuff to look pretty...save your cash, buy him beer.

   Trying to understand women is like trying to smell the color 8.

   I bet our entire universe is just in a tiny glass jar placed neatly on a shelf in an alien child's room as a science project he got a C- on

   *Texts girlfriend* Wats up baby!!! ;) *Doesn't reply for 5 hours* BI&CH YOU BETTER BE WRITING ME A FUC&ING BOOK!

   I don't care what you say, fat girls are beautiful too.....at a distance.....of 300 or more feet.

   Not sure if my dog is barking for no reason or I'm about to be murdered.