Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When filling out a resume, is "Facebook friends" capitalized? Asking for a friend....

   I facebook the way I cook; I can, but I don't.

   think comcast went back to dial up today...... just saying

   I'm the one who has a problem eating a Popsicle like a normal human being. An my name is Dan.

   If you workout and don't post a status about it on Facebook, do you still lose weight?

   Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to dogs.

   If you don't like my Facebook updates, please feel free to delete me and solely visit your friends' pages where the "big news" of the day is when one of their grandkids finally took a $h!t all by themselves.

   I dont make love, I slam women like a fridge door with no beer in it.

   FBI released photos of the suspects in the Boston bombing today. I hope a good American that knows them will report where tthey can pick up their corpses.

   I stopped talking back to the voices in my head, and now they’ve started texting me…

   How to make a woman go mmmmmmm all nite long? …………………….. with Duct Tape

   Could I please get the name of the girl who has a problem eating a Popsicle like a normal human being.

   The secret to eternal life and happiness could be hidden in the Terms & Conditions and we would never know.

   When you are using a public urinal you must look straight ahead at all times and no chit chatting about anything, including the weather...it's the law.

   There has been a surge in patriotism. These terrorists haven't learned a damn thing. They just don't get it. If they piss off Americans (as they have) our love of country and eventually our wrath will be nothing but awesome.

   Heard about the Blonde terrorist who tried to blow up a bus? She burned her lips on the exhaust pipe.

   I feel like I have my cranky pants pulled all the way up to my armpits!

   Spring has sprung!! How do I know you may ask??? Well I am seeing more and more muffin tops the mandals are back and socks with crocs are on the rise!!!

   My brain during the day: I need a nap.... My brain at night: I wonder why the Earth was placed exactly here & allowed us to sustain human life....

   Terrorists: 3 Industrial Accident: 15... sorry terrorists, but you lost this round.