Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hang 'em up, Kobe. Black Mamba is done.

   If everybody's working for the weekend that means someone has been working for the week and they need to be stopped.

   Honey you used so much oil, the US wants to invade your plate!

   They say not to go grocery shopping when you are hungry. Not good to go pinteresting when you are hungry either.

   first he Cheats on his wife than he cheats in Golf!!!! Dam You tiger Woods!! lolol

   *Breaking News: North Korea missile test delayed due to problems with Windows 95.

   Panic over. you can sleep safe in your beds. I've sent Kim Jong a McDonalds Happy Meal & he's calmed down.

   Wake up on a strangers couch...check...use GPS to find out where I am....check ....walk to eat alone....check....return Tyson's Tiger...

   I’m looking for a new personal trainer, the last one didn’t work out.

   If cartoons can wear the same clothes everyday then so can I dammit.

   My tombstone will probably say, "Dead, but finally sober".

   I can't believe North Korea are now threatening Japan with nukes. They're still squinting from the last two.

   Just had an idea for a musical - How do you solve a problem like Korea...

   hey Golf Channel, instead of yapping about golf for 4 hours, how about showing some actual golf??

   A-Rod, Kobe and Tiger ... perhaps the three most arrogant athletes of our time ... all had pretty bad Fridays.

   If all my friends were to jump off a bridge, I wouldn't jump with them, I'd be at the bottom to catch them

   I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won't think I'm happy to see them.

   I hate it when I am hosting a pool party at my neighbors' house and they come home early from their vacation.

   A relationship that’s needs to be validated and reinforced by being constantly paraded on Facebook for the whole world to see is a desperate relationship that will not last.

   If you don't like my facebook posts, feel free to delete me and solely visit your friends' pages where the big news of the day is when their grandkids finally take a $hit all by themselves.