Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm the Kristen Stewart of not knowing how to react to a compliment.

   Women are like maths. As soon as you think you've finally figured it out, something harder and more confusing comes along.

   If a relationship is when you think about them when they're far & you never want to leave them, then I'm in a relationship...with my bed.

   Me: why did you stop me? Cop: for starters you're not wearing a seatbelt. Me: what about main course? Cop: step out of the car.

   I hate when I'm stalking someone & go to another person and then another person and still didn't finish stalking the first one.

   NEWS FLASH....CORDUROY PILLOW MAKES HEADLINES!!!!

   Reese Whitherspoon and Taylor Swift must be somehow related coz they share same genes.

   I used to drink a lot in the 80s. Then I realized, who cares what the temperature is?

   Reese Whitherspoon may have lost her good girl image but she's still got her overinflated self worth...

   If one more person wishes summer I am going to push them into a volcano!

   Time flies when you're having fun, so the more you enjoy life the quicker you'll be dead.

   To any babies out there, I'm impressed that you can read this.

   Accidentally spilled tear gas, and then realized there's no point in crying over it.

   I stay high because it doesn't hurt from up here.

   So when are Yankee fans allowed to hate Red Sox fans again?

   Angie's List?? Yeah, like I'd trust the opinions of a bunch of random idiots...

   I went out for a nice meal one day when the waiter asked, "How would you like your steak, sir?" "The same way I like my sex," I replied. He smiled and said, "So, rare?" B*tch.

   You can tell my girlfriend's really Japanese because her genitals produce a forcefield that pixelates the air around them

   something tells me somebody somewhere is trying to find the formula to create zombies.

   My view on gun control. The criminal is the cheetah and the average U.S. citizen is the antelope. The cheetah will always be there to attack the antelope. Stripping the antelope of its horns will not solve the problem. It makes it defenseless.