Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wrestling is obviously fake. Why would two people fight over a belt when neither of them are wearing pants?

   I'm trying to be black so bad, I went out and got a white wife.

   Complain that you are bored and I will ignore you like I am busy.

   the number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of you action. :)

   You know your phone is old, when you have Myspace as a default application.

   What did the Peanut say to the Walnut? I'll cashew later.

   Where would you like me to stick it. The Yapper,,, the Crapper,,,,,or the Flapper!?

   If you go shopping at Walmart and no one stares at you as you walk by, you're one of them

   It's so nice to come home and relax with Facebook after a long day at the office playing on Facebook.

   I hit a new low today. I used a cheat code on "The Biggest Loser Ultimate Workout" on my XBox Kinect

   When filling out a resume, is "Facebook friends" capitalized? Asking for a friend....

   I facebook the way I cook; I can, but I don't.

   think comcast went back to dial up today...... just saying

   I'm the one who has a problem eating a Popsicle like a normal human being. An my name is Dan.

   If you workout and don't post a status about it on Facebook, do you still lose weight?

   Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to dogs.

   If you don't like my Facebook updates, please feel free to delete me and solely visit your friends' pages where the "big news" of the day is when one of their grandkids finally took a $h!t all by themselves.

   I dont make love, I slam women like a fridge door with no beer in it.

   FBI released photos of the suspects in the Boston bombing today. I hope a good American that knows them will report where tthey can pick up their corpses.

   I stopped talking back to the voices in my head, and now they’ve started texting me…