Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bigamy: Alternate wifestyles

   Peanut butter is the cheese of the candy world

   I just invented a birth control pill for men. I figure it makes more sense to take the bullets out of the gun than to wear a bullet proof vest.

   WOW: term used by women when they are amazed that one person can be so stupid!!!

   Fatass Quanicka ruined Casual Friday for every this past Friday......Sh e wore shorts

   Regaining my trust takes a long time. Like building a house or pleasing a fat woman.

   Don't think of it as him cheating on you. Think of it as him making a new friend and their privates were just shaking hands.

   During drought season, I consider a paper bag, and good make up for ugly chicks to wear in bed

   all I really want is someone to love me as much as kanye west loves himself

   Why do I have to pray to G0D for help? Doesn't he know? I mean, he's G0D for G0D's sake.

   They were Towel Heads after all....stick THAT in your Hookah libs.

   It should be made legal to strangle people to death who ruin Facebook wallposts because they didn't get the sarcasm so post a serious reply.

   Nerdy pickup lines: You have an appendix. I like that in a woman.

   Nerdy pickup lines: You have an appendix. I like that in a woman.

   I believe in equality. If we have a 5 day week of work, we should have 5 day weekends as well dammit.

   Watching that episode where Scooby Doo takes a dump on the kitchen floor and Shaggy beats him mercilessly with an old newspaper...

   ’m in such a good mood I think I’m going to cook* a delicious dinner**! (*open, **bottle of wine)

   just remember guys, your problems are your problems but her problems are OUR problems...

   Today is 4/20, or as the people of Colorado call it, Saturday.

   I don't hold grudges or plot for revenge, I will simply send a bunch of Jehovah's witnesses to your door...on a daily basis.