Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Happy Earth Day. I'm doing my part by vacuuming all of the dirt out of my car and putting it back on the ground where it belongs.

   Lately I've been convinced that some people were born solely for purpose of eventually pissing me off...

   I assume most animals are in the zoo for some pretty serious crimes.

   "look sharp" - me to my poorly maintained knives before guests arrive

   Whenever I stalk someone, I wear a big foam finger so it's less creepy and more "super awesome fan."

   I failed my driver's test. The guy asked me "what do you do at a red light?" I said, I don't know... look around, listen to the radio.

   Al Michaels arrested for DUI. Don't worry Al, John Madden makes me want to drink too.

   I feel sorry for Lindsay Lohan, imagine how many Adobe updates she’ll have after rehab.

   I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs or anything but I would have made the iPhone charger about 5 feet longer...

   Does karma have a silent observers hot line or something? I'd like to speed up the process for a few people!

   It was just yesterday where it was a requirement to say grace before every meal... Now the only importance before a meal is making sure you get glamour shot for instagram.

   My advice for new parents: 1. You'll make mistakes... 2. Use the five second rule... 3. All kids are different... 4. You're a terrible parent.

   I am a kleptomaniac, and when it gets really bad I take something for it.

   A fun thing to do during an argument is bring up every irrelevant detail from past arguments until you win & die alone.

   JAB, I'd start a conversation with one of you, but it's easier to sit here and ignore you. . .

   "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" The doctor says, "It's Not Unusual."

   I traded in my wife's piano for a clarinet. You can't sing while playing a clarinet.

   Hey Budyy...."yeah you who is reading this"......Are you still waiting for something funnny? Give me a sec, I'm getting a BJ.....

   My tattoos pretty much ALL mean the same thing.... I had money to blow.

   True story: I saw 2 fat guys get in a shoving fight at the donut shop this morning.... Also true: I kept yelling "use your diabetes on him!!"