Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Deleting ppl from FB has become the new way to hang-up on ppl. I still miss the feeling I get from hanging-up the phone on someone face!!

   I always wanted to know how long 'forever' was and by looking at some people's relationships, it's around 3 to 4 weeks.

   What does a fat musIim say? ALLAH SNACKBAR!

   eBay makes things so much more simple and quicker when your purchasing...

   Police in Sweden found drugs on Justin Bieber's bus. I'm sure it wasn't for him. It was for the rest of his crew who have to tolerate him.

   A part of me wants to go to the gym and the other part of me is a liar.

   Last time I did drugs I dated an All-In-One Printer for 3 days, so no thank you.

   I got caught with a booger on my finger. So I put it back in her nose and apologized for disturbing her nap. I'll try again later.

   Your about as relevant as a Facebook poke

   I read today that 99% of women don't like men in leather pants. That is convenient...because 99% of men in leather pants don't like women.

   I stopped saying I liked women with "junk in the trunk" when I realized it wasn't a euphemism for ana l.

   Learning to "stop drop and roll" in elementary school lead me to believe catching on fire would be a much more frequent problem in life.

   I don't play guitar, but I sure would pluck your G-string.

   Knowing something is a terrible idea and doing it anyway is my specialty.

   Apaprnelty hmoosxeulas aer brililnat at unscarbmlnig snetneces.

   I'm running low on funny but I have plenty of sexy left.

   Some people are flirting with my delete & block button.

   There's a special place on my crappy list for people that complicate relatively simple situations.

   Sir, I don't care what car you drive. Your teeth look like they're throwing up gang signs.

   If you are a man and your girl is taller than you. I am going to assume you're a lesbian couple.