Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If one more person wishes summer I am going to push them into a volcano!

   Time flies when you're having fun, so the more you enjoy life the quicker you'll be dead.

   To any babies out there, I'm impressed that you can read this.

   Accidentally spilled tear gas, and then realized there's no point in crying over it.

   I stay high because it doesn't hurt from up here.

   So when are Yankee fans allowed to hate Red Sox fans again?

   Angie's List?? Yeah, like I'd trust the opinions of a bunch of random idiots...

   I went out for a nice meal one day when the waiter asked, "How would you like your steak, sir?" "The same way I like my sex," I replied. He smiled and said, "So, rare?" B*tch.

   You can tell my girlfriend's really Japanese because her genitals produce a forcefield that pixelates the air around them

   something tells me somebody somewhere is trying to find the formula to create zombies.

   My view on gun control. The criminal is the cheetah and the average U.S. citizen is the antelope. The cheetah will always be there to attack the antelope. Stripping the antelope of its horns will not solve the problem. It makes it defenseless.

   So I order the Country ham omelet. It was disgusting to say the least. I asked where they get it. She goes, "Yemen."

   Women are 60% water, 20% makeup, 10% clothing, 8% shoes, and 1% hairspray. That leaves 1%, yet they demand 100% of men's attention.

   Three favorite days of a boat owner: 1) The day he buys his boat 2) The day he sells his boat 3) The day a bomber is cornered in his boat.

   Darwin you idiot,, we actually evolved from babies

   For the record, you'll need a turntable needle.

   If anyone ever tells me I put too much parmesan cheese on my pasta, I stop talking to them, b/c I don't need that kind of negativity in my life

   my buddies and I have an agreement when it comes to women. We agree they're all crazy...

   Karen on Facebook says… "Going to the dentist now. Hate having things put in my mouth!!! :(" That's probably why your husband left, Karen.

   The gentleman in me says, "Let it go." But the animal in me says, "Sh*t in her shoes."