Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sir, I don't care what car you drive. Your teeth look like they're throwing up gang signs.

   If you are a man and your girl is taller than you. I am going to assume you're a lesbian couple.

   Too bad you cant photoshop your stinky breath as well.

   if Jay Leno and Reese Witherspoon had a kid, it'd look like that dude on Mask...

   I haven't copied and pasted from thi s place in 7 whole days for god sake.

   Scratching off a lotto ticket before you leave the store is a good way of letting people know that your life isn't going according to plan....

   Some of you ladies need to take it easy on the make up. You look like you were the first person to pass out at an Avon party...

   I just saved a bunch of money on my sons college education by introducing him to weed...

   Huggie, Huggie, Huggie can’t you see, sometimes your words just piss off me…

   If you want to worship someone who was tortured, killed, then came back to life, I'd say Wile E. Coyote should be it. He's the one who REALLY took one for the team.

   Ok, so I now know that if a girl asks if she looks fat, do not reply, "In what area?"

   Reese Witherspoon is the skim milk of celebrity arrests.

   I was thinking about selling my old phone but I think it knows too much.

   Yeah you nailed the audition but some other chick nailed the director so better luck next time.

   What people think of your problems: 80% don't care, 20% are glad you have them.

   What's the odds I ever meet a Victoria's Secrets Angel? OK, don't answer that.

   A Tiger doesn't lose sleep over the opinion of the sheep!

   If the breakfast club existed now I'd eat all their cereal and steal their cell phones

   My boss wants me to keep my headphones volume low enough to hear my work phone ring AND stay awake at my desk like some kind of wizard.

   Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.