Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How are girls hard to understand? We like Taco Bell, Starbucks, cuddling, compliments, naps, disney movies, yoga pants,and shopping

   Hmm 666 6+6+6=18 18.... Obama was once 18... Very scary not sure what this information means brought to you by Fox News.

   Why yes, I will be getting drunk tonight! Thanks for asking!

   The problem with you is that you damn exist.

   Had she been a better entrepreneur, Sally would have sold blow jobs by the seashore.

   I want my casket to have a crank on it that plays the jack-in-box music.

   My doctor said that jogging could add years to my life. I didn't believe him at first, but I went this afternoon and I feel ten years older already

   Dallas Cowboys drafted one of the Duck Dynasty Brothers

   The Boston Bombers mom looks alot like the Wicked Witch in the Land of Oz movie to me....... Let's hope she doesn't have any flying monkeys.

   Are we sure about this George Jones news? He may just be playing possum.

   Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted.

   I dropped my cell phone in water. I dried it out in a bag of Uncle Ben's. He stole my minutes.

   He stopped loving her today. RIP George Jones

   I'm a cat and when I smoke pot I gain the ability to type for 60 secmeow meow meow.

   I don't do the "walk if shame", I do the "stride if pride!"

   Q: What did the hamburger name his daughter? A: Patty!

   Looks aren't everything but they sure are a lot.

   We r so poor, We are taking our vacation on Google Street View this year.....

   I found handcuffs in one of my sister's drawers. Why would she not tell me she's a cop?

   My dogs are giving me the look. The look that says “we saw the empty wine bottles and we know that we have to walk you tonight instead.”