Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How come when Disney characters kiss a beautiful sleeping woman it's considered "heroic", but when I do it, it's just "rapey"?

   WIFE: You only hear what you want to hear! ME: Sure, I wouldn't mind a blow job as a matter of fact.

   "Sure, why not" - Nicolas Cage being offered any role for any movie

   All Hitachi appliances and products vibrate.

   What's that thing on your face? Why are you showing me your teeth- OH! You're smiling!

   Batman had the bat signal. If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my house .

   I hope Manti's girlfriend likes San Diego.

   Remember,,, It takes more muscles to frown at a donut than to eat it.

   This coconut water tastes like I'm a stuck-up snob who enjoys wasting money on health scams... Acai smoothies, anyone?

   I wonder if dog’s had facebook, would they put our picture as their profile picture.

   Love doesn’t walk away, people do.

   If you’re in a relationship for sex it’s like buying an airplane for the peanuts.

   Time to buy a new car, a bigger TV, a better cell phone and a faster laptop so I’ll finally be happy! (Repeat over and over until you die)

   I don’t know who invented Nutella, but I’m going to assume they went to Hogwart’s.

   Your baby was cute until I realized you’re on the same flight as me. Now your baby is stupid.

   A lie everyone tells = “Hey! I just got your text!”

   Attractive person: Hey whats up? Me: Who paid you

   Every time you speak, I feel my brain cells committing suicide one by one.

   i don’t understand why people need to do drugs or party in order to have fun, have you tried mac n cheese

   "Everyone’s middle name should be, motherfu%kin ...try it doesnt it sound so great"