Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you want to go running with me, you'd better be prepared to walk a lot.

   Cactuses are just angry pickles.

   There's always a window of opportunity in your room for improvement.

   The ironic part about killing time is that it's slowly killing you.

   I'm too old to die young, so I have that going for me.

   I'm tired after a long day of getting out of bed.

   I don't use the self-checkout lane, but I am looking forward to the fill-your-own-prescription stations.

   My gym membership is just a fitted sheet.

   We get it, you're a proud lesbian. Nice haircut.

   A cat ran into the freeway and caused a pile up... Some how this was Obama's Fault - Fox News

   I coulda sworn Kobe came out of the closet years ago.

   Officer You call it reckless driving, I call it searching for my cell phone.

   Jason Collins needs a bubble bath

   This status is dedicated to all the pretty girls and the ugly ones too cause to me your pretty anyway baby.

   i dont care if my teammates are straight or gay, as long as they dont listen to Nickelback...

   If you still have a Romney sticker on your car, I got news that may come as a bit of a surprise to some of you. He lost.

   Somewhere, skeletons and secret gays are fighting over closet space...

   when you're stressed, you eat Ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets. Why? Because stressed spelled backwards is Desserts.

   Now working on my 2nd million. I gave up on the first.

   Just cuz, I likkes one of your Pictures doesnt mean to come and inbox me stuppid assss questions like, "where are you these days?" , "Duh bitcch, on FB!!!"