Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just cut my lip on an Oreo. Well it was 3 Oreos. At the same time.

   Keeping a kayak on the top of your car is a great way to say “I’m outdoorsy, yet douchey

   Pitching tents in your pants doesn't mean you're outdoorsy.

   Always take a homeless person with you when you go camping.They're outdoorsy, work for food. & you can leave them anywhere you want to.

   "MORNING!" "MORNING!" "HEY!" "YO!" "NICE DAY!" "YEAH!" "I LIKE SEEDS!" "ME TOO!" "I HATE CATS!" "SO DO I!" - birds at 4:30 am

   Silly me....being the city slicker that I am...I thought the KY Derby was a lubrication contest.

   I'm proof that you don't have to be famous to make stupid decisions...

   Hey Crossfit idiots All I can think about when I see you running with your backpack full of weights is how quickly you'd sink if I pushed you over the bridge.

   My 6 year old tried to karate chop a watermelon at the supermarket. Thanks Fruit Ninja

   Hey G@y Guys; I think God's plan was for things to come outta there, not up there..

   I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to

   If Cinderella's shoe fit perfect, why did it slip off to start with?

   Just watched a movie with my kids about a young girl that is transported to a surreal land where she kills the first person she meets. Then she meets up with 3 other strangers to kill again. The Wizard of Oz.

   How in the heck was Cinderella the only girl in the ENTIRE kingdom to wear that size shoe?

   Currently pondering.....for a very curious monkey, why couldn't George ever figure out the name of the man in the yellow hat?

   I love babies wearing sunglasses. They are like little tiny, blind jazz musicians.

   I wonder if employees for pornography sites get into trouble for looking at non-related work websites during the day. We caught you misusing company time. CNN? Amazon? Bed Bath and Beyond? We're not paying you to look at that kind of crap.

   Dear Derrick Rose: Can you come up with even more excuses why you aren't playing despite being 100% healthy??

   People dont even say grace before meals anymore . They just hold their phone over the plate, snap a picture, & then upload it to instagram .

   I hate when I’m comfortable in bed and I forget my iPhone in the other room!