Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There are no masters or servants in the grave, just The Dead.

   I can’t express to you in words how much I love you and that’s why I’m at your house setting up candles and sharpening your knives.

   DAD: "Son go back to bed. Monsters arent real" SON: "But dad I'm scared. And what are you wearin?" DAD: "Just armor to protect me from aliens. Aliens are real son"

   My sister calls me a "lazy alcoholic." Well, jokes on her. I just jogged to the liquor store.

   The Chupacabra came down the chimney and left me a Piñata full of coal ...that means 6 more months of Tequila! Happy Cinco De Mayo

   Cinco De Mayo is just like St. Patrick's Day, except with tequila.

   I knew she was about to say something intelligent because she began with, "You once told me..."

   I don't care about what people think or say about me. At least mosquitoes find me attractive and appealing.

   small minded...SMALL MINDED!!...Yeah, I got nothing?

   you are all small minded people here!

   Well, then I guess only one of us will be enjoying these next 3 years :)

   May the 5th of vodka be with you

   Facebook has announced that now your Facebook friends will be assigned to work as customer support. Because who better to help you reset your password, than the guy you stood up for the 8th grade dance?

   I thought I suffered from low self-esteem. Turns out, I suffer from accurate self-esteem.

   it drinko de Mayo or cinco de drinko? F*uck it, I'm just getting drunko...

   Really Cosmo? 50 tips on how to make your guy h0rny? What the f^ck are the 49 things after "touch his p*nis

   It's disrespectful to refer to Cinco de Drinko as "Cinco de Mayo

   Let's be honest, if the Westboro Baptist Church pickets your funeral then you've lived a good life.

   Still don't understand why people say Happy Cinco de Mayo to us. It's not our independence so shut up!

   The chupacabra does not deliver presents on Cinco De Mayo