Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Happy Mothers Day, here is your injunction" - Kobe

   "No thanks, I'm vegetarian" is a fun thing to say when someone tries to hand you their baby.

   I wish you could Google anything. Liikke, "Where the F you ck is my phone?" and it would be lliikke, "It's under the couch dumbass......lol good night peeps!!!!!

   Facebook is like having your own talk show except you don't get paid and your studio is the bathroom.

   Idk what was worse, the fact that my girlfriend text me saying "sorry breaking up with you" or that a minute later she text me back "sorry wrong number."

   Thinking about kicking her out my Cheaters Elite club! I only deal with ppl who can find the answers for quizes fast! Not slow ppl who needs me to show them how Google came up with the answers..

   Facebook: Because why not think out loud to a bunch of strangers on the internet?

   I'm only 1/2 Italian. Luckily, it's the half from the waist down.

   53% of all Jedi marriages end in da force.

   The Sleep Number bed commercial came on & the spokeswoman asked "So what's YOUR sleep number?" I hollered out "80 proof."

   We say we love and are fully behind our soldiers risking their lives fighting for our freedom and protecting us from our enemies yet we pay them peanuts while we make millionaires out of sportmen, movie stars, Justin Bieber, the Kadarshians, Kanye west.

   Wonder what Emeniem does for his mom on Mother's Day ?

   My kids are Half-British and Half-Southern......... I pray for their teeth everyday.

   DATING TIP: make sure your girlfriend knows that you're dating her.

   You're so fat I can hear you breathing through the Internet.

   Why the hell did you delete the celebrities getting more than soldiers you piece of sh*t?

   Today is national tinfoil hat day. Ok, it's not really, but I don't want to be the only one wearing one.

   I don't want to brag, but I'm single-handedly responsible for 86% of the rules in the Employee Handbook at work.

   I came, I saw, I cleared the browser history.

   My wifes husband is a great guy!! Not to mention how cool her kids dad is...