Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   GUILTY: Because you can't abort justice.

   Thank you Facbook. before you came along, I had to stare out the window to laugh at people.

   I failed my driver's test. For the question "What do you do at a Red Light?" I said "Texts and check Facebookk."

   Thank you internet. before you came along, I had to stare out the window to laugh at strangers.

   It's hard for me to take the things you say seriously when I know what's been in that mouth of yours.

   are there actually people out there who make their beds every morning or is that just a myth

   how many cupcakes have to die before all these cupcake wars end??

   An eye for an eye leaves the whole world with a lot of pirates and cyclops.

   Everyone needs a nice pair of boobs to soap up in the shower, their own or someone else's.

   When a man pats a woman on the ass it's just a friendly way to say "Hi". That, and he wants to bang it like a screen door in a tornado.

   Men! If you don't sleep with them, they never call...if you do sleep with them, they never call. You may as well get a good f**k out of the deal.

   what f#cking idiot named them jet-skis instead of boatercycles

   In Japan, the title "Jersey Shore" translates into "Macaroni Rascals"

   Then satan said, "Put the alphabet in math"

   The foods that prison inmates eat are more nutritious than the food in school cafeterias......Just let that sink in for a bit.

   Sometimes I consider myself a badass then I remember the most dangerous thing I've done today was sneeze while driving.

   I’m glad men don’t wear skirts, I imagine how much shorter they would be when we had erections.

   Ever just apologize for no reason whatsoever? No? It must be nice being single.

   Bacon is natures way of making up for Monday mornings.

   If 40 is the new 30, then Monday is the new Friday.