Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Accepting a Facebook friend request from someone you follow on twitter is like bringing home your drug dealer to meet your family.

   Pretty neat how I just lump breakfast, lunch, and dinner all in one meal and call it "drinking".

   When do we start referring to horribly failed relationships as being Taylor-made?

   I put the ass in passionate.

   I think that in hell everyone is drunk but you.

   "I like your pushy." - Sean Connery talking dirty to his woman

   If you want someone who is always smiling, always happy, get a clown. Or a comedian. I need someone who can get dark with me.

   Premature ejaculator seeks bubbly, blonde female with big ti...... Hang on. It dosen't matter now......!

   Have you ever felt like you are surrounded by incompitence and realized you were by yourself

   Balloons are so weird... "Congratulations on having a baby, here's a plastic sack of my breath"

   I've discovered the 8th Wonder Of The World. There are no hot women in Minnesota.

   Studies show that California has the highest rate of Adultery and Depression....It's a sad State of affairs.

   I never got the expression "complete idiot". Is there an Incomplete version?

   When you catch the Holy Ghost on the streets you are a crackhead

   I swear I saw a guy earlier today that had no chin and all I could think about was, how does he put on pillow cases?

   got new a deodorant ..Instructions say remove top and push up bottom.. My a$$ hurts but every time I fart the room smells great.

   My home is like the Playboy Mansion except all the girls are inflatable and have a surprised look on their face.

   I switched to midget p0rn to save space on my hard drive.

   We all spend that extra minute or two brushing on the day of your dentist appointment...

   My brother Bob gets mad when someone spells his name backwards. I think he inherited that trait from our Mom or Dad.