Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To err is human; to blame it on someone else shows management potential.

   Physician -One upon whom we set our hopes when I'll and our dogs when well.

   has pants that say Snickers on them because they are packed with nuts and they always satisfy.

   Shout out to all the Amish people reading this status..........................BUSTED

   I lay nude daily in my back yard just in case Google Earth decides to update.

   There's more to Alcohol than life!!!

   Next time your sit at a McDonald's playland and a parent asks you, "Which one is yours?" Say, "I haven’t picked one out yet!" It's worth it.

   People don’t realize how hard it is to write stupid things on a regular basis.

   I'm at my sexiest when it's last call and you're pi$$ed at your boyfriend

   When I visit someone's house: Them: It's so good to see you! How've you been? Come on in! Blah bleh blah... Me: What's your wifi password?

   why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward

   My friend hates theme parks b/c he doesn't like the idea of waiting for 5 hours for 2 minutes of pleasure. And yet he still goes on dates.

   I get my daily dose of vegetables by eating animals who eat vegetables

   The girl in line behind me at the store was taking duck face pics with her phone. I didn't have any bread crumbs on me so I hit that b%$ch in the face with a loaf of french bead.

   I'd eat more vegetables if they were made of beef.

   Life is too short to buy a cheap toilet seat. Go ahead, get the good one, your a$$ deserves it.

   In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.

   I'm black but not "ain't nobody got time for that" black.

   I'm not saying I abused my liver last night, but right now it's sitting under the running water of the shower & crying.

   It’s like Lil Wayne gets a tattoo for every whack song he releases.