Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The number one rule when you are broke is to stop talking about being broke. Nobody wants you taking out your harmonica and singing the blues every time they talk to you.

   I'm allergic to some alcohol. I break out in Sexyness and and in extreme cases nudity...

   The next Fast and the Furious should just be two hours of a guy doing steroids inside of a Nissan Cube.

   My nickname for my mother was Hannibal Lecture....

   If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side in the middle of the night...

   Those fake living rooms at IKEA should have a couple in them trying to assemble IKEA furniture and fighting.

   What I’m really looking for in a friend is loyalty. And a pool. Mainly just a pool.

   My wife just asked me if I noticed anything different about her hair, so took the easy way out and did a triple backflip into a volcano.

   Never bring a spoon to a spork fight ツ

   When something bad happens to me I know it's because I didn't donate that dollar to the children's fund at Publix

   There’s one guy still paying for p 0rn out there that supports the entire industry.

   Saw a teenager today and I couldn't figure out if it was a boy or a girl. That's our future. Still jerked off to it though.

   I just wish Justin Bieber was around when Michael Jackson was in his prime.

   dumb minds think alike too.

   If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear.

   I just got an email with the subject line "Whales are counting on you". I responded "Whales are making a serious mistake"

   I had a dream last night that I went back in time and instead of warning everyone about 9/11 I just talked about how cool smart phones are.

   I've found many African Americans are against gay marriage, which is sad but I guess it makes sense. I mean who wants two deadbeat dads?

   Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog. You understand it better but the frog dies in the process.

   Ladies you don't sing better in the shower. It still sounds like sh*t, but you're naked so we tolerate it.