Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Move away from the coffee pot and no one gets hurt.

   Happy Hurricane Season!!

   I love going for walks in the rain. You can pee your pants and no one will be the wiser ツ

   I used to be a people person......but people fckued that all up...

   Overprotective parents raise the best liars.

   Girls have periods, cramps, babies, and everything else. The least a guy could do is text her first

   Girls who pretend to act stupid because they think it's cute need to be slapped in the face with a brick.

   Dear Fellow Americans, we need to stop making stupid people famous.

   “Who is this I just got a new phone?” Really means I didn’t bother to store your number because you aren’t that important.

   Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up.

   Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other stuff wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.

   Bit%h If We Break Up... I'm Changing My Netflix Password ... You Ain't Bouta Be Cuddled Up With Anotha Guy On My $8 a Month

   My fortune cookie read "End of roll. Replace"

   When a tornado touches down in Oklahoma, they issue a PDS Broadcast. PDS must mean 'Pretty Damn Scary'

   It's Friday! The only two who aren't excited about that are my bank account and my liver.

   The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn't even apply for a job there

   If one more teenager uses the term 'Back in the day'...I swear I'm gonna smack the Cr@p out of them with a floppy disk and choke them with my Members Only jacket!!!

   I'm not just hungry...I'm Oprah hungry.....

   Recent statistics show that 5 out of 6 people enjoy Russian Roulette

   The saddest bachelor parties are the ones where they didn't realize the girl goes in the cake AFTER it's baked.