Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've been around the block a few times. I forgot where I live.

   I feel ready to face the world as a responsible adult now that I've taken today's gummy vitamins.

   I know it's your birthday and all but the Star bucks gift card aint happening!!

   Dear people who think its cool to flip off the camera when getting their pics taken; Why are you so mad? Did someone sodomise you as a kid?

   If money doesn't grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?....

   Don't look down and be depressed. Look up and you will be blessed.

   I just texted my ex "God Bless You" cause I seen her sneeze through my Binoculars

   I don't know why my grandmother has a Facebook cause all her friends are Dead

   Black p eople weren’t good at SIMS cus they were unfamiliar with the “raise a family/feed a dog” lifestyle that’s why they created GTA.

   I swear they have a prescription drug for everything. "Hey...do you go to sleep at night and wake up in the morning? Then take this useless pill so you can die and the doctors & lawyers can take your family's money."....Nice evil scheme guys.

   Man put God in the mind and he ruined the whole brain since the first millenium.

   God put a woman in the bible and she ruined the whole book in the first chapter

   I wonder if the 3rd world countries have put in their 2013 Pittsburgh Penguins Stanley Cup Champions yet!

   OMN - (Oh My Nothing) Atheist text acronym

   Are you there, nothing? It's me, an atheist.

   Roll up to Uhaul store, roll down all the windows, blast "I Like to Move It" until they call the police

   They say when life gives you lemons….but what if life hands you a rather large banana? What then, my friend? What then?

   I tried to make my own sausages today for the grill out. Bit of a failure though. The flames kept melting the condoms I used for the sausage skins.

   My boss and I will have to agree to disagree. He wants me to do stuff that will make him money. I want to do stuff that will get me drunk.

   I like a girl who leaves things to the imagination, like what her natural hair colour is and whether or not she loves me back.