Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You lost your phone because it was on silent? That's too bad. If you liked it then you should've put a ring on it.

   When a woman asks you “what did you just say?” Repeat whatever you just said. Then start inviting people to your funeral.

   it just me or does it seem like giving my last four digits of my social security is alot easier for others to remember instead of the whole number

   Cats probably get mad that they have to pay an assassin 9 times for one job.

   No matter how bad your day is going, remember, there’s some guy with his girlfriend’s name tattooed on him.

   The only reason I don’t cheat is because I’m lazy. It’s too much work losing arguments to one woman already.

   Chris Brown is adding vocals from Aaliyah to his new song. Congratulations on making a plane crash the 2nd worst thing to happen to Aaliyah.

   I'm glad Lassie wasnt my dog. I just want to watch TV, I don't want to be constantly rescuing people.

   I'm pretty sure there's a Bruno Earth somewhere on Mars.

   Every cab is the cash cab if you've got a gun.

   My wife's like a Magic 8-ball. If you keep shaking her, She will eventually give you the answer you want.

   I dreamt I had bought a blackberry. Sigh. These nightmares are really getting worse.

   Someone in the office just said Game of Thrones is overrated and I accidentally stapled his tongue to my desk.

   Doesn’t matter if she changes her relationship status on Facebook. Until she leaves her toothbrush at your place. She’s not your girlfriend.

   It turns out that men are literally putting their lives on the line just licking a vag, and there are still women who don't swallow.

   Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.

   Apparently Michael Douglas has not heard of Orbitz gum

   My boss just purchase a brand new two door cadillac cash for his 16 yr old soon that just drop out out school last month.I am sitting here thinking about all of the repairs I have to do to my car.

   Just heard Yoga Pants are being re-designed to be less revealing. I'll be keeping an eye on that.

   Michael Douglas Has the Perfect Excuse... I have Nothing to say the Cat got My Tongue ..