Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Shhh... someone with glasses is talking.

   Someone cook me dinner so I can Instagram a picture of it. It's an emergency.

   Women are from Hearts and Men are from Pen*s.

   How many calories does wearing workout clothes burn? Does anybody know?

   I'd explain it to you again but I'm fresh out of crayons and puppets

   Ever wonder what it's like to be Amish? Get a blackberry. I'm practically milking cows and making candles over here.

   I'll bet 9 out of 10 of you guys here have no pants on.

   Kristen Stewart doesn't get enough credit for her acting ability. I thought she was great as "Wilson" in Cast Away

   justin bieber to be launched into space...hoping very much it's a one way trip ...:D

   A vegetarian that is for the death peanilty.....................wait what?

   I’m not addicted to coffee… we’re just in a committed relationship.

   What if animals "were" injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.

   To my neighbor using a chainsaw at 7:30 on a Saturday morning: Try holding the other end.

   So many vain and self-aggrandizing narcissists on Facebook giving themselves compliments about how beautiful, slim and rich they are. Real beautiful people are humble and wait to be complimented by other people.

   Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I'll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.

   I drive everywhere but for some reason my shoes still wear out, it’s like there’s just no reward for laziness

   why do rapppers ask us to make some noise? You are the one with the band and the microphone

   My first cup of coffee is enjoyed with silence, thank you for understanding.

   ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and tell you what I eat on instagram

   Hey, NSA,,,, if you're going to read my posts, would it kill you to like them?