Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tropical Storm 2013 Tip: To avoid lacerations while looting, be sure to wear puncture-resistant silicone oven mitts when crowbarring shop windows.....

   You have not experienced crazy until you experience NYC crazy. A man just tried to sell me a book he wrote called Don't beat your kids or they are going to turn out like me. Lol

   Before Faceb00k I hated waiting rooms. Now I'm like, sit in one spot for an hour? Yes, please

   Turns all electronic devices off and lives happily ever after...

   100% of non smokers die

   When I was your age I was raising Pokemon, not babies

   No one's gonna die if their boyfriend or girlfriend leaves them. Remember, it's a relationship, not a lung.

   Relationships should be like flying... You should only be allowed one carry-on and all other baggage should be checked at the door...

   The best thing about being productive is going to bed knowing you did something. Or I think that's how productive people feel. I don't know.

   There's nothing I hate more than joggers on the beach. I don't need to be reminded how out of shape I am on vacation a $$hole.

   You guys make me wanna be a better alcoholic

   why drunk showers are a bad idea: almost accidentally waterboarded myself. moral of the story: use the buddy system.

   We cannot allow gays to marry! It would destroy the sanctity of our prestigious divorce rate.

   Fellas; For every minute you spend 'down there,' I'll donate a dollar to Michael Douglas' Throat Cancer Research Fund.

   I hate when women reject me cause I don't have money. I want them to reject me for who I truly am

   I had a Doc telll me I had a fatty liver. How rude! Now I always ask my Wife: "Honey, do these jeans make my liver look fat?"

   Oh well, a friend just tried to send ricin via email!!!! He never was the brightest color in the crayon box!!

   ironic that due to all the steroids, A Rod doesn't have the stones to admit he did steroids...

   ironic that due to all the steroids, A Rod doesn't have the stones to admit he did steroids...

   Fanny packs- still better baggage than you carry.