Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I'll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.

   I drive everywhere but for some reason my shoes still wear out, it’s like there’s just no reward for laziness

   why do rapppers ask us to make some noise? You are the one with the band and the microphone

   My first cup of coffee is enjoyed with silence, thank you for understanding.

   ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and tell you what I eat on instagram

   Hey, NSA,,,, if you're going to read my posts, would it kill you to like them?

   Marriage, because your suffering doesnt have to end at work.

   Last night was so romantic ...that she didn't even press charges.

   The single ladies and cats joke below is proof that B EGO is the a d m I n and steals stuff we p 0st and claim it as his own.

   What did the traffic light say to the car? Don't look i'm changing

   "I'd hit that" - Asians driving

   at work, we call the boss Blister because he doesn't show until after the work's done...

   All single ladies, stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don’t force an innocent cat to live with you

   Mirror: “You look cute today”. Camera: “Lol, no”. Instagram filters: “I got chu”

   The only reason my heart appears cold and black is because I have my real heart locked in an indestrucible black heart shaped box and cryogenically frozen to prevent further damage.

   Remember Hey Arnold? Rugrats? CatDog? Rocket Power? Kenan & Kel? The Amanda Show?… When Nickelodeon made sense.

   Marriage is like a public toilet.Those waiting outside are desperate to get in.Those inside are desperate to get out

   When you mess up a guy’s hair, he thinks it’s cute, but when you mess up a girl’s hair, just hope you’re wearing something bulletproof.

   Being single sucks when you know exactly who you want.

   "I want you to come inside me." - Buildings