Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What do you mean spray painting "SERVICE ANIMAL" on the side of my dog doesn't make it legal for her to be in Wally World?

   Most girls want a polite thug... A dude who will open the door for her but will still smack that ass as she walks past.

   Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.

   feels sorry every summer for anyone named Eve.

   Judging by how much I like to crawl back under the covers in the morning I think I'd make a pretty awesome turtle.

   If I ever get pulled over again, I am gonna sing the "Like a good neighbor State Farm is there" song and wave both hands at the police officer like I am doing a magic trick.

   When asked which method of payment will be used, I always put "in collections".. that way they can just skip the middle man.

   A girl just asked what I would call a girl who would do just about anything sexually on the first date. I told her I would call her a...mediately!!!

   Putting $10,000 worth of speakers into a $5000 car is a sure way of never climbing out of your social class

   I will never understand why my fridge has a drawing of a carrot on the beer drawer.

   Everybody knows that door handles spread disease but when I started a business to clean them and called it Knob Jobs all I got were creepy phone calls

   My new pick-up line: "I have a full tank of gas!"

   Misplaced my smart car. Thought I left it on the counter... And yes, I checked in the couch cushions already!

   Why is Victoria Beckham not in a commercial for 'Old Spice'?

   If you Google the words 'Zerg Rush'...google will Eat the screen.

   My Crocs say I'm always down for a good time but my fanny pack lets you know I'm prepared for anything.

   When I can't fall asleep, instead of counting sheep, I count all the people I have disappointed.

   I want to start a new liquor company and call it "Responsibly". Free advertising since all liquor companies advise you to drink it, and you don't need to feel guilt because you're drinking Responsibly!

   You're not damaged goods, but there is a clearance sticker on your back

   The problem with the general public is that it's made up of people.