Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Never faked a sarcasm in my life.

   I like people how I like my coffee... I don't like coffee.

   Ain't no sandwich when she's gone.

   Facebook has changed its policy against topless Masectomy pictures. Which is odd because Justin Bieber has been posting them for years.

   Bill Murray walked up to me today in McDonalds, grabbed a fry off of my tray, ate it, and said " No one is gonna believe you"

   There is a name for people without beards.... Women!

   I'm really good at making poor decisions. You're my favorite so far

   Being spontaneous would be a lot easier if people would just give me a couple of days notice first.

   a Genie told me I could have a great memory or an epic Phallus, but for the life of me I can't remember which one I chose...

   This hot fudge sundae hasn't killed me so it must be making me stronger.

   Never trust those people who get to work an hour earlier than they have to. They’re up to something. Something sinister. Mark my words.

   Don't fall in love. Fall into a fire. Its less painful.

   They should play porn on gas station pump tvs so you can watch someone else get screwed at the same time.

   sometimes, just in case the government is monitoring me, I call people I don't like and leave messages about bombs

   Keep the planet clean. Its not Uranus

   If you wanna be stabbed or threatened every time you don't perform well in bed, get a latino woman.

   All I want for Father's Day is the last freakin donut.

   I just put cheese spread on a Cheez-It and now I understand quantum physics.

   Jeremiah quickly learned that as long as he had wine, some mighty fine wine, he would always have a friend.

   A snail was out walking one afternoon and was stopped, robbed and beaten up by two turtles. When the police arrived they asked him what had happened. The snail said he was not sure as it had happened so fast