Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wish I could have sex for everytime I was turned down for sex

   rub an atheist nutz the wrong way and they hiss like a snake that they are...

   Kenya please explain why you called Chad a Niger? You Congo around using words like that or all of a Sudan you Ghana have no place Togo

   I wonder if smart cars are even street legal.

   it is such a big waste how Jodan's national carrier is called Royal Jordanian airline instead of Air Jordan

   Never faked a sarcasm in my life.

   I like people how I like my coffee... I don't like coffee.

   Ain't no sandwich when she's gone.

   Facebook has changed its policy against topless Masectomy pictures. Which is odd because Justin Bieber has been posting them for years.

   Bill Murray walked up to me today in McDonalds, grabbed a fry off of my tray, ate it, and said " No one is gonna believe you"

   There is a name for people without beards.... Women!

   I'm really good at making poor decisions. You're my favorite so far

   Being spontaneous would be a lot easier if people would just give me a couple of days notice first.

   a Genie told me I could have a great memory or an epic Phallus, but for the life of me I can't remember which one I chose...

   This hot fudge sundae hasn't killed me so it must be making me stronger.

   Never trust those people who get to work an hour earlier than they have to. They’re up to something. Something sinister. Mark my words.

   Don't fall in love. Fall into a fire. Its less painful.

   They should play porn on gas station pump tvs so you can watch someone else get screwed at the same time.

   sometimes, just in case the government is monitoring me, I call people I don't like and leave messages about bombs

   Keep the planet clean. Its not Uranus