Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thank God for my mother being so horny 31 years ago or I could have just died a slow death in a sock.

   Out of all the Socially Transmitted Diseases out there, I have Instagram is my favorite.

   Given that you can be anything you want on the Internet... I really don't understand why so many women portray themselves as skeeO's

   I really dont understand interventions. What's the point of being told I have a drinking problem by a room full of reasons why I drink too much in the first place.

   My dog once licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree from Everest

   Why does no one ever take pics of their fast food to post on facebook? You want people to see your gourmet feasts, but not when you're woofing down a 20 piece nugget?

   What,,Are you a weekly magazine?,,,,, You've got ALOT of issues

   “Hey you kids - get off my field of skulls!” -Arnold Schwarzenegger as old man Terminator in "Terminator 5"

   I want to motorboat her soul.

   Congratulations to Kim, Kanye and baby Cthulhu! The end is nigh...

   Step 1 in a relationahip is to make sure you strike fear in your girl heart. Threaten to hit her. Make her scared of you so she wont cheat

   When a guy tells you he's meat free, it's a safe bet he's also girlfriend free.

   I'm taking my two beautiful children home from Disney World...... I'm leaving the two ugly ones there.

   One thing's for sure when I shower with my boyfriend. My titties are spotless!!

   Free range chicken, because freedom is delicious.

   UGHhhh,, Spelling errors agrevated me SO much,,,, Just mix up two letters and your whole post is urined

   A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked me "Where were you between four and six?" I replied, "Kindergarden"

   God made cousins so that parents can compare our marks.

   If attacked by a mob of clowns... Go for the juggler !!!

   Mondays are like a dry hand job. Hurts during, feels good when it's over...