Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So I'm assuming that North West won't be a One Direction fan?

   Summer officially checked in at 1:04 am. For Floridians, it also clocked in at 1:04 am. Back in April.

   someone said "Kim Kardashian has given birth to a compass"

   I'm kind of disappointed.. North isn't really a good name for a stripper.

   Kim n kanye should name their kid 'KiIlevry" .. .. KiIlevry Kardashian has a nice ring too it

   8:30am and it already feels like the longest day of the year.

   When my brother ran away, we moved his stick figure to the other side of the minivan's back window.

   COWORKER: Got a minute?.... ME: Sigh,,,, (Puts "Days Without Being Annoyed By Idiots" sign on desk to 0) Sure,,, What's up?

   Kitchen utensil theft...................... it's not worth the whisk.

   LITTLE KNOWN FACT: The guy that wrote the script for "Gremlins" originally meant it as a documentary about having kids

   yes is official- Kanye West has lost his mind!!..he has named his daughter...what for it......NORTH.

   Albertans living near High River experiencing unexpected flood. Seriously? You live on High River and a flood is a surprise? In related news residents of Hell unprepared for latest heat wave.

   Does the Food Network deliver?

   An elementary school in California is being named after Michelle Obama. It's obvious that the school's mascot will be Chewbacca.

   My semen glows in the dark. Should come in handy if I'm ever horny and also lost in a cave.

   All I really want is for my self destruction to be televised during "Prime Time".

   I was an atheist until I realized I was a sex god

   So if tomorrow is the first day of summer, that means tonight is SUMMERS EVE right? Let me know if I am being a douche...

   one male, one female, one ex trying to mess it up and one friend secretly hoping it ends.

   Damn. RIP Tony Soprano. *shuts screen off*