Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Facebook's adding hashtags and Instagram's adding videos. Go home you two, you're drunk.

   It's not hard to tell girls apart from women. Do her eyes sometimes glow red? Does she say sh*t like "YOUR SOUL IS MINE"? That's a woman.

   At some point, you're gonna be naked. I wanna be there when it happens. Even if it means staying in this closet for another 12 hours.

   I'm a gentlemen. I'll hold the door open. Help carry groceries. Tip you for a good bj. Buy you dinner if you let me finish in your ass.

   "Yesterdays history, tomorrows a mystery, and today is Friday"

   I'm white, but not "know where my father is" white.

   Why not just call her NORTH POLE because following in the footsteps of her mother KIM she is destined to be a stripper.

   "I want you to know what I'm saying, without having to actually say it." - Women.

   It was sooo cold last night I had to use 2 laptops and 3 tablets just to keep warm! Camping is hard.

   It's not like I think money buys happiness. I just doubt I'd be happy without it.

   Jenga is a great way to teach your kids about strategy, patience and 9/11

   James Gandolfini is dead and we have a new Kardashian. Athiests win....there is no god...

   I don't always drink and drive, but when I do, I make sure the kids are strapped safely in their car seats. That's called responsible parenting ツ

   From the moment I saw you, I wanted 2 be inside You, The way you smell, The way your tongue feels, The way you tighten n loosen.....Gotta love new sneakers.

   happy Kim and Kanye are together, at least only one family is ruined.

   SOOOOO wanted Kim and Kayne to name their daughter Wild Wild........

   The day Bruce Jenner finally snaps and locks his entire family in his Escalade and pushes it into his swimming pool just got one stupid baby name closer.

   And if he winds up being a switch hitter..he'll be known as: North Bi North West....well sorta.

   I do not like racism of any kind. It's disrespectful to all the coloreds.

   Police reports state that Aaron Hernandez is claiming Bill Belichick instructed him to destroy the surveillance tapes