Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hit the gym pretty hard this morning..... I really need to stop drinking and driving.

   I heard that women like it when you check up on them. So I installed CCTV in the kitchen.

   No need to make faces in pics. You're ugly enough as it is.

   I was fired from my job for going the extra mile. Being a tour guide is hard!

   What doesn't kill you was only practicing.

   Hugs that turn into sex? Where do I get those? Mine always turn to 'let me go or I will call the police'.

   I wish I was R Kelly, there are a lot of people I need to pee on.

   GET RICH OR FALL ASLEEP TRYIN

   It’s after 18 beers that you realise trees make more sense than people.

   That time you find yourself singing that song you hate and you end up throwing yourself off the 5th storey just teach yourself a lesson.

   Yes I’m the ugly friend who gets cropped out of Facebook profile pictures.

   Tell your girlfriend she’s beautiful everyday or your kid will end up having the gardener’s nose.

   Why aren't you women happy like the ones in the tampon commercial?

   Kanye's kid is gonna have a hard time understanding GPS instructions. GPS: "Turn North West." North West: "Yeah, but which way do I turn?"

   Satan works in mysterious ways, Pitbul’s music for example.

   Girl, you had me at "what the phuck are you doing in my closet?!"

   I want so bad to post a Kim and Kanye joke, but it would be off color and in the wrong direction...

   I can't believe all these single ladies in my area want to meet me! Must be all the free Ipads I keep winning

   It could be worse. Kanye and Kim originally wanted to name the kid Wild Wild.

   the best way to understand paranoid people is to follow them around.