Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I prefer coffee over 5 hour energy because coffee doesn't taste like horse piss...

   I have the uncanny ability to look at a pretty girl RIGHT when she decides to pick her nose.

   There's always the possibility that Snowden just picked a really elaborate way to break up with a girlfriend.

   Just had a box of apple juice and an Oreo because I may be 40 on the outside, but on the inside I'm dying from my poor choices.

   So one of the kids shouted "TIGGA PLEASE!"..... and that's the story of why my wife doesn't let me watch Winnie The Pooh with the kids anymore.

   I’m just glad it’s almost Friday! It’s almost Friday, right? Well, it’s close to Friday. It’s never going to be Friday is it?

   Whenever a stranger asks our baby's name, I always say he hasn't told us yet.

   FYI: Captain Hook ran his entire pirating operation singlehandedly.

   Any bathroom without toilet paper is a panic room.

   Before Twitter we really had no way of knowing which of our favorite celebrities were also total illiterates.

   I’m so tired. Almost time to crawl into bed and not be able to sleep for three hours.

   Note to self: you never read these notes, so stop writing them.

   UPS delivery guys don't like it when you go up to their truck and order an ice cream sandwich and a bomb pop.

   Babies are the 2 extremes on the spectrum of smell. They either smell like heaven filled with lollipops or a microwaved porta-potty.

   I hate when babies wear really baggy diapers and try to act all street.

   You guys make Facebook worth it! Just kidding, we are all wasting our lives.

   I like to think all pizzas are personal pizzas.

   Someone should check on Tyler Perry. He hasn't released a movie in like a week.

   my opinion is brought to you by the letter "F" & the letter "U"

   Finishing the Monday after vacation is like when Nick Wallenda's feet hit the ground after crossing the Grand Canyon on the Skywire