Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whatever I did to make you hate me, I'd like to know. I have other people I can use that on.

   I have some jokes about unemployment but they need some work.

   The new Paula Deen and Aaron Hernandez jokes are about 12 hours too late...

   In other news Paula Deen as made a statement in regards to the DOMA ruling: "I'm real excited for the fags, especially the colored ones."

   Breast-feeding Mom....Y you No wink back???

   Aaron Hernandez,, I have some legal advice for you,,, Never trust a lawyer who wears pigtails, sucks on a lollipop and blows you kisses when you ask him a complex legal question.

   It took a lot of persuasion and reasoning on my part at this 'all-you-can-eat' buffet, but anyway... long story short... I'm about to go down on the waitress.

   Life is like a box of chocolates, why is this box of chocolates yelling at me?

   "Excuse me ma'am?... I'd like to return this Birthday Suit." ... "Sir, you're naked." ... "Where's your manager!?"

   I'm not saying I'm lazy, but someone wrote "wash me" on my truck so I just wrote back "nah"

   How to you piss off a archeologist? Hand them a tampon and ask them what period it's from.

   I'be gotten to the point where I can't tell the difference between homeless people and hipsters

   So I ordered an industrial electric motor online and modified my ceiling fan, so now I have off, high, tornado, and hurricane. And oddly, a self cleaning house now.....

   I don't understand stalking an ex following them everywhere they go. You got hurt. Grow up and deal with it as an adult. Have sex with one of their friends or create a fake facebook account. This is 2013, get with the times.

   God dammit Obama. Quit sneaking into my house hiding the TV remote. Go back to destroying Merica and leave me alone.

   God is a spaghetti monster. It all makes sense now. Hey everybody I'm Atheist now!

   A Real Man Shows His Love To His Woman Daily. He Needs No Special Occasions, Holidays Or Her Birthday, He Just Spontaneously Does Things

   My girlfriends dad asked me what I do... Apparently, "your daughter" wasn't the right answer.

   To find a prince, you're supposed to kiss a frog. Not screw the whole pond....

   Never let failure get to your heart and never let success get to your head.