Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not rich, but I'm not "selling stuff on Craigslist for $10" poor either...

   Sarcasm is wasted on the idiots who inspire it.

   The best thing about not being with you, is not being with you.

   Commercials are like the Jehovah's Witnesses of Television.

   Time To Get Star Spangled Hammered

   I call it a Cupcake Salad. And I don't see how it's any of your business.

   My typical day at work: 9:00 am: What a beautiful day. 9:05 am: I WANNA GO HOME.

   You look chatty. I’ll take the next elevator.

   I think we should buy a lot of sh&t we don't need and then find a soul-crushing job to pay for them.

   Guys, I don't mean to sound negative or anything, but according to my research, everything sucks.

   … remember when you were a kid and would run thru the sprinklers at your uncles house - and he'd dry you off with his big strong arms and tender kisses ?

   I knew I had to go on a diet when I started stealing the little candies out of my kid's Lunchables.

   Obesity is now considered a disease by the medical community. Never before has walk for the cure taken on a more literal meaning.

   Perfect people are terrible; it's difficult to take advantage of them.

   It's always cracked me up how straight people just get so amused and excited about fireworks .....

   Aquariums are a place where fish get to watch you for free but it comes at the price of never leaving

   Some guy just blindfolded me and dragged me into a warehouse. I'm still waiting for him to say it's a febreeze commercial.

   If zombies attack the world, everyone will run and hide. Except for us gamers, of course. We've been waiting for this all our lives!

   I hate going to Wal Mart. Every time I go, the cashier always checks me out...

   Im sitting on the bus minding my own business, until I pull out my Ipad...Long story short, I have 20 extra friends playing candy crush with me now!