Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A woman saying "I'm about to cum" is another way of saying "Unless you handle the next minute like a round of Jenga, I'll stab you!!"

   If you're in a committed relationship and you have no intentions of marrying that person, then you're wasting both of our time.

   I'm announcing this morning I'm cutting all ties with Paul Deen....no more BUTTER!

   Crocodiles are just lizards who joined a gym

   A group of lions is called a pride. A group of turtles is called a bale. A group of my family members is called an embarrassment

   If you're worried about peeing on your necktie, then the answer is yes,,, you've tied it wrong.

   What came first? The alcohol or the bad life decision?

   I drove so bad today that the voice from sat-nav said " pull over I want to get off"

   I ain't much of a looker. Which is why I often get run over when I cross the road.

   James Gandolfini is dead of a heart attack and Dick Cheney is alive and well. So go ahead and remove "karma" from the dictionary.

   Chicks be talking bout #TeamNoKids after 6 abortions. No bitttch you a serial killer!

   If you're in a committed relationship and you have no intentions of marrying that person, you are wasting both or your time.

   I've never sky dived before, but I have zoomed in REAL FAST on Google Earth!!

   Another World's Oldest Man has died. This is beginning to look suspicious.

   Dumb is the new smart...

   Keep your friends close but your cupcakes closer.

   You're uglier than..... well, you're the example.

   Worst thing in the world is being surprised in your office by a colleague after a particularly toxic fart...

   " Aaron Hernandez killed my girlfriend too." Manti Te'o

   Marriage counseling... because sometimes your wife needs to hear from a professional that she's being a bîtch.