Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don’t be selfish by asking god to find you a soul mate. God has bigger fish to fry, like cure diseases and save lives.

   The only time most people come clean is in the shower.

   Today we celebrate freedom...while the government monitors us.

   I'm poor, but not "vote for Obama" poor.

   I'm so hungry right now that Angelina Jolie would adopt me....

   Honor America by dying from complications of type 2 diabetes.

   I’m drinking because you’re talking.

   I forgive people by forgetting about them.

   *Steps outside house* *Sees some people* *Rushes back in*

   I just realized the more I ignore people the less miserable I become.

   I'm feeling good, I guess that's because I haven't seen anybody today.

   I mean I was in a good mood, but that was before I wake up.

   Sure Rome wasn't built in a day but it burnt in a day didn't it?

   When I see an ugly obese woman pushing a cart full of kids in a store, I immediately think "Who keeps fuck!ng you?"

   if you build something strong against fools, a more intelligent fool we appear and ruin all your effort.

   Happy 4th of July! We did it America! We've almost completely ruined everything!

   I laugh every time I hear the phrase "Career Driven"

   gottenSeeing how fat George Zimmerman has gotten, we need to ask did he shoot Trayvon because he was black or for his skittles.

   Tim Tebow is under investigation by the IRS. It seems he recently joined an organization called The Patriots.

   buying bottles rockets and crown royal! good day to be a grown-up