Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Coworker: Scott, can I ask you a question?... Me: That's a great question, and the answer is no.. No you cannot.

   4yr old: when I grow up I want to be like daddy.... Wife: You can't do both honey

   I just ran over a mime.,,, Well, now he’s a mime.

   Studies show that children who are better liars tend to become more successful as adults.

   Sorry, your password should contain a capital letter, two numbers, a symbol, an inspiring message, a spell, a gang sign, a hieroglyph & blood of a virgin!

   Independence Day was just a fake holiday created by the independence companies to sell more independence.

   No one needs a vacation from me more than me.

   Insomnia was a much more lonelier and sadder place before FB. Now I just can't wait to sleep 2 hours and have a miserable day.

   The only time you'll ever catch me poppin a molly is when that b1tch is talkin sh1t. #powrightinthekisser

   I've got problems and you're several of them.....

   Jesus Christ. I'm as high as whoever wrote the Bible.

   How many “friend-zoned” guys does it take to change a light bulb? None they’ll just compliment it and get pissed when it won’t screw.

   Being a man in biblical times must’ve been damn hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea and you’re here watching sheep.”

   So this girl was like, “I wanna have your children” and I was like, “okay, but you’ll have to ask their mom first.”

   I like cooking babies and lots of other stuff. I also hate punctuation.

   If you think sleeping with your girlfriend’s best friend will piss her off then you obviously haven’t tried hiding one of her shoes.

   Dogs have it so easy, they don’t go through the tedious process of three dates, they just have to smell each others asses.

   Satan must be boring. There are other ways of making people suffer other than setting them on fire, making them listen to Justin Bieber is a start.

   Sometimes when drunk I sleep in a ditch. Doesn’t make me love my bed any less. Actually makes me love it more. See? Cheating isn’t evil.

   Lady, you were funny and interesting up about until that time you started talking about your boyfriend.