Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Andy Murray looks like a stuck up douchebag.

   Politicians should have to wear NASCAR jumpsuits so that we know which corporations sponsor them.

   Every year for Halloween, Kanye West dresses up as Kanye West.

   I was going to ask my neighbors if they would continue exploding things even though July 4th is over,,, and it's like they read my mind.

   Within 2 minutes, I can gather enough things to allow me to sit and watch tv without getting up for at least 4 hours... Dont question my laziness

   I haven't seen chaos like in Egypt since Popeye's opened a restaurant in Atlanta!!

   Give a man fish and you'll feed him for a day...... Give a fish a man and I'll bet you're in the Mafia.

   Some chick told me to get lost so I bought every season on DVD.

   I've got this racing snail, but he's so slow. I took his shell off, to see if it would speed him up a bit, but it just made him more sluggish.

   Hey all you Candy Crush players, oh please add me and I will send a virus to take out your addiction, oops I mean, codes I'll send you codes....

   "One time, I got so hammered I woke up a cave three days later" - Jesus

   3/4 length trousers... For people who look a twonk in shorts, but have a tattoo they want you to see.

   Chickens can actually fly but have a fear of heights hence the name "chicken"

   Creating unnecessary drama is a tool of the ignorant.

   If you woke up this morning hungover and missing a thumb, America thanks you.

   Never have I felt like my childhood is a lie like today when I saw a man step on a banana peel and didn’t trip and fall.

   Tip for Egypt's next president: get rid of Tahrir square.

   I'm an Arab but NOT "death to America" Arab.

   Maybe someone stole her phone, that's why she hasn't called me in 3 years. Yeah I'm sure that's what it is.

   I was born to succeed, but then Facebook came along.