Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have "plan B" dates....everytime I make the plans, my date wants to abort & not go through with it

   If Aaron Hernandez beats this murder charge, they need to put him on the cover of next year's Madden.

   shouldn't there have been ONE scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel's mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man's shed?"

   i hate when people steal my ideas and post them before I think of them

   Like we really need Twinkies here in America.

   I hope the word ‘berserk’ appears at least once in my obituary.

   Twinkies are coming back!!!!!!! :)

   When I wake up I like to play a little game called "Goddamn Good Reason to Leave This Comfortable Bed."

   We're all here because we're not all there...

   In honor of having to work today, I'm not going to do a goddamned thing.

   Dear person bragging about your awesome vacation.... everyone else wishes you never came back too.

   But all that aside Mrs. :Lincoln...how did you enjoy the play?

   Thanks to George Zimmerman The great seal of Florida is now burned into my Plasma.

   That drunk girl that steals my phone and pretends to be me on here every weekend is coming over tonight

   Ok duffus.. If your going to text me with a sexy message, try to get my name right!

   I really wanted to remarry the woman I divorced a year ago, but she said I was only after my money.

   The reason why women will never be the ones to propose is because as soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants

   Hold your horses. It's hard realizing you're a horse and not a unicorn or a zebra. Console your horses. Tell them they're good enough.

   Suddenly a wild Beyonce appears... (•_•) <) )╯ all the single ladies ./ \. ( •_•) \( (> all the single ladies ./ \. (•_•) <) )╯ ./ \. oh oh oh

   Every day is "hump day" to my neighbor's dog....get off of my leg you mangy mutt!