Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate Mondays more than a midget hates getting a Yo-Yo for Christmas.

   The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they take things so literally.

   An inuendo is an Italian suppository.

   My gf and I were eating Chinese take-out and my dog starts begging at the table for a treat. I said "You don't want this, Boy. This is Chinese food. Come to think of it, so are you."

   I enjoy people who actively participate in my insanity.

   The best part of having relatives over is that feeling you get when you shut the door behind them as they leave.

   I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings, I didn't know that you have any.

   And nobody finds it curious that UFOs only land in the USA? Thats where all the idiots that creat them live.

   Guys, don't take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!

   Some people's desperation is so hard to watch, I'm forced to wear sunglasses while I laugh....

   She puts the 'ass' in Picasso!

   You've actually friendzoned yourself the moment you allowed him to approach her in your presence, making you wait till they're done talking.

   If you leave the sexual innuendo door open even the slightest bit I will come crashing through it like the Kool Aid Man.

   "No fair! You cleaned the bathrooms last week! It's my turn." said no one ever.

   Watched a guy exit a mini van wearing a West Coast Choppers t-shirt. WTF.

   A man trying to get sex is like a cat trying to get food. They’re never more affectionate or persistent and once you give in, they don't need you anymore.

   I love earth, except the people on it.

   I wish I loved anything as much as some of you love to criticize & attack each other.

   Girls, when you wear too much make-up you’re basically just saying.. “I’m not happy with my looks”

   I make mistakes to further my education.