Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't send me flowers unless its weed.

   I hate how you're just born out of nowhere, forced to go to school and get an education so you can get a job. What if I wanted to be a duck?

   Fish have sex without penetration. Yes I was watching National Geographic all weekend.

   You can't buy happiness, But you can buy weed. And that's kind of the same thing.

   Remember to wear your hoodies up today...even though it will be 90 degrees. WWTRD?

   Facts do something the media never does...tell the truth.

   There are moments in history that I believed the world was moving forward then there are moments like last night that remind you it hasn't moved an inch.

   You're psychiatrist's opinion about your social media habits don't count if he has less followers than you.

   Ask not what my pen*s can do for you... but what you can do for my pen*s.

   Can you do me a favour? Stand in front of my car, I need to test my brakes.

   If you really believe racism isnt a massive problem, that the oppression of minorities is not a horrific and systemic issue. you R in denial.

   Every so often I'll bring my wife and kids out in public just so people understand why I drink.

   I wish my name was Grudge. This way women would hold on to me forever.

   If you don't want to be profiled as a thug, don't dress like one. No more hoodies and flat-brims. How about a nice Polo shirt and some Khakis. Docksider shoes instead of LeBron sneakers. And a NASCAR baseball cap would help too.

   Nothing like a woman with a brilliant mind and a filthy mouth.

   I thought Pacific Rim was when an asian guy licks your ass. And that's why I would like to get a refund for my movie ticket.

   If a woman ever asks you if you know what your problem is, don't answer. It'll only make it worse.

   America, you've got a little injustice on your chin. No, not there. A little to the right. There. Nope, you missed it again. Still there.

   I think homeless people would have more money for food if they didn't spend it all on black markers, cardboard signs and collection cups.....

   In 2 seconds you'll be singing "I'm a Barbie Girl" in your head.