Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wish I had Caesar Milan to correct me whenever I drive up to KFC

   If there is a hand on each shoulder, it's not a prostate exam.

   My wife worked my ass off today. It's still laying out in the yard somewhere.

   When you can't be a good example, at least serve as a horrible warning

   I can imagine homeless people aren't the biggest fans of little dogs wearing sweaters?

   When you can't be a good example, at least serve as a horrible warning.

   Let's be honest. The only reason I listen to my voice-mail messages is to make the stupid icon disappear.

   If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn't he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator?

   I’m starting to think I buy bananas just to watch them die a slow death in my own home.

   I imagine homeless people aren't the biggest fans of little dogs wearing sweaters.

   If I live to be 100, I'm going to make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people... like claim I ate a pinecone every single day.

   Why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. Who has hair on their shoulders. Who's shampooing their shoulder hair. Please come forward.

   There is a fine line between being a nice guy and being a little b*tch."

   If there isn’t a Chinese millionaire that’s changed their name to Cha Ching then I don’t see the point of money.

   Wait a second! Alan Thicke's sone sings that hit R&B song? But I thought Kirk Cameron was a televangelist?

   They say milk is good for your teeth you know what else is good for your teeth minding your own business lol

   "Pew pew pew! Pew pew!" - excitable church architect.

   Whenever I see old men on the beach with metal detectors, it makes me kind of sad. Can't you vultures just let Robocop enjoy his vacation?

   im about to embark on an epic journey from a horizontal position in my bed to the coffee maker. join me on this incredible journey

   I don't get a sore throat often, but when I do I swallow every few minutes to check to see if it still hurts.