Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ok duffus.. If your going to text me with a sexy message, try to get my name right!

   I really wanted to remarry the woman I divorced a year ago, but she said I was only after my money.

   The reason why women will never be the ones to propose is because as soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants

   Hold your horses. It's hard realizing you're a horse and not a unicorn or a zebra. Console your horses. Tell them they're good enough.

   Suddenly a wild Beyonce appears... (•_•) <) )╯ all the single ladies ./ \. ( •_•) \( (> all the single ladies ./ \. (•_•) <) )╯ ./ \. oh oh oh

   Every day is "hump day" to my neighbor's dog....get off of my leg you mangy mutt!

   Would like to warn everyone about the upcoming election, I wont be starting any posts but by golly if it comes up in my news feed be prepared for a piece of my mind. To avoid pieces of my mind showing up in your news feed please dont post on mine.

   Smokey: No sugar? Damn. Y'all ain't never got two things that match. Either y'all got Kool-aid, no sugar. Peanut butter, no jelly. Ham, no burger. Daaamn.

   If you reach your hand into a woman's purse, it crosses into a parallel universe containing everything but the one thing you're looking for.

   Patriot, AR-15, Liberty, Taliban, Gun Rights, Tea Party, Terrorist, Religious Freedom. Oh, never mind me. I'm just stirring the pot with the NSA for when they monitor my Facebook account.

   Scientists don't know why bees are disappearing, like if you keep stealing a dude's honey he's gonna be cool with it and stick around.

   if you are feelimg sad and confused just remember that for milions of years, bird were the closest thimg we had to astronauts.

   A Shout Out to all the beautiful women who don't need to dress half nekked to get a man's attention. Stay classy! The rest of you, come with me.

   Pretty sure birds wake up and spend 2 hours asking each other where the Sun is.

   Can I just date your mouth?

   I'd like to dedicate my farts to those people that drive slow but then speed up when you try and overtake them.

   He said: I'd like to get into your pants. She said: No thanks, one a$$hole in here is enough.

   I gave "Jesus" a compliment once. He thanked me three days later. Jerk.

   Kids are fun to be around. Then they start kicking, screaming, drooling, crying, fighting and then you're just grateful they're not yours.

   Relationships, Marriages, work and children are what keep alcohol companies in business.