Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes I notice the way my wife is looking at me and think, "if I could read her mind I'd probably be too terrified to live with her."

   Its already too late for some of you ladies to find Mr Right and I would advise you to just settle for Mr. What's Left or you will die alone.

   If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they'd shower more and fart less.

   I'd rather run a marathon than listen to someone talk about running a marathon.

   I wish someone could love me as much as I love looking forward to my next meal.

   Yep, back when I was a kid we had hipsters too ...only then we called them douche bags !

   there a phobia for leaving the house when your phone isn't fully charged? There should be.

   I'm too bad to be an angel and too good to be a devil.

   There's a word for people like you and that word is "leave."

   For all the taxes they take out of my paycheck, the least they could do is send me a picture of the ghetto family I'm supporting!

   I was half way to work when I realized I forgot my phone charger. I had to do what most people would have done... turn back around and go get it.

   was everyone this worked up when OJ was found innocent

   Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.

   Name your iPod 'Titanic', plug it into the computer, "Titanic is syncing", press cancel, feel like a hero.

   Monday is like canned spinach...I can can deal with it but I'd prefer something else.

   Stop screaming, lady. All I said was 'this is how pornos start'. It's just elevator talk.

   This heat makes people do crazy things... Like talk to me.

   There are two kinds of people in this world, and I don't like them.

   Your opinion does not require anyone else's to be valid...

   If you’ve gauged huge holes in your ears and don’t keep Oreo cookies in them for snacks then what the hell’s the point man?