Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Girls put you in the friend zone but forget they need a ride to work. Nah ho

   Free slurpee day at 7/11. You're welcome.

   America is no longer the fattest country in the world. That honor belongs to Mexico now. In other news the Twinkie is making an historic comeback. Well played Mexico, Well played indeed!

   Who are we?--Proud Americans. And what do we want? --To stop being the fattest country in the world!. When do we want it? -- After dessert!

   And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end

   Get married, you're gonna die anyways.

   I have "plan B" dates....everytime I make the plans, my date wants to abort & not go through with it

   If Aaron Hernandez beats this murder charge, they need to put him on the cover of next year's Madden.

   shouldn't there have been ONE scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel's mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man's shed?"

   i hate when people steal my ideas and post them before I think of them

   Like we really need Twinkies here in America.

   I hope the word ‘berserk’ appears at least once in my obituary.

   Twinkies are coming back!!!!!!! :)

   When I wake up I like to play a little game called "Goddamn Good Reason to Leave This Comfortable Bed."

   We're all here because we're not all there...

   In honor of having to work today, I'm not going to do a goddamned thing.

   Dear person bragging about your awesome vacation.... everyone else wishes you never came back too.

   But all that aside Mrs. :Lincoln...how did you enjoy the play?

   Thanks to George Zimmerman The great seal of Florida is now burned into my Plasma.

   That drunk girl that steals my phone and pretends to be me on here every weekend is coming over tonight