Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Aaron Hernandez was seen on the phone begging his attorneys to have his murder case moved to Florida.

   BREAKING NEWS: Zimmerman is STILL not guilty since 3 hours ago

   Zimmerman about to be walking out in the streets in an Iron Man suit.

   Whoever wants to kill anybody, should probably do so in Florida you will be free.

   Everyones like "George Zimmerman this, no justice that" I'm just over here like, "I'm gonna eat a popsicle."

   Companies that are using technology to go paperless aren't putting iPads in the toilet stalls for wiping.

   Surprise jumps on the back is for 160 lbs and under women only.....any thing over is a tackle

   I'm a better person than I was yesterday, but still not as good as I can be tomorrow

   Wine is a fruit, right?!

   I've fallen! And I can't reach my beer!

   Too many people confuse "justice" with "revenge."

   Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people.

   My life would be so much better if I was dead.

   my girlfriend says I'm great in bed because I can sleep the whole day.

   Looks like it's probably going to to be a "guilty of manslaughter" verdict. Women are emotional and probably don't want to upset the prosecutor or defense so I predict they will choose a "compromise verdict" of guilty of manslaughter.

   Most computer problems are caused by a loose nut between the chair and the keyboard.

   a social drinker. You're having one? Well so-cial I!

   Game of Thrones is totally going to win the "Most Unrealistic Pubic Hair in a Medieval Drama" Emmy this year.

   I'm Mandela's grandson and have all his leadership skills , follow me

   Thanks for the suggestion, serving size... I've had a good laugh,, and will now make you feel stupid for being so wrong.