Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just encountered a spider bigger than my desire to be the man of the house.

   Pets are so easy to love. They are honest and react to kindness without wanting to know what's in your bank. Humans could take a lesson.

   If someone steals your identity you should have every right to kill them. What are they gonna do, arrest you for suicide?

   In case you were wondering if I smoke pot or not, I just went in my bedroom for my phone charger and left with my belt.

   When cutting my cocaine I always use my medical insurance card. It just feels right.

   People with kids, your p0sts are all the birth control I need.

   it's hotter than the backside of Satan's ballsack out there today!

   Damn, it's so hot outside, i'm jealous.

   Damn, it's so hot outside, my flip flops melted into my feet and now i'm stuck in my driveway.

   At some point we will have to get our clothes on and use our mouths for eating food.

   According to information given to me in my childhood, 1 out of 5 pigs eat Roast Beef.

   How do homeless people manage to get those expesive tattoo's?

   Before you decide to live by the "early bird" policy, find out whether you're the bird or the worm.

   I dont blame some of these athletes wives for leaving them I mean seriously how do you sign million $ deals then go broke in a few years...

   Turtles are the easiest animals to pee on.

   I wouldn't even know what to do in a threesome. Probably jumping jacks.

   My last thought in life will probably be ” I wonder what happens if I touch this?”

   why don't you go slip into something more comfortable......................like a Coma

   Happy Birthday Nelson Mandela - 95 years!

   shout out to bees, willing to kill themselves just to inconvenience a hater.