Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's so hot I have my air condition set on bankruptcy.

   i love going to church. especially when they pass around free money

   I'm going to take you to the cleaners... After that, the bank & grocery store. Then possibly Arby's? It's totally up to you

   WANTED: Guitarist for air band. Must have own instrument.

   Anthony Weiner is still sexting... really, who cares??? However, if my last name were weiner and I had a son, I totally would have named him "Gigantic"

   Facebook can turn a real life devil into an online angel with a well written status...Power of the internet!!!

   I am quite offended that Prince William didn't lift up the baby like they did Simba in Lion King.

   Prince Fielder must be jealous of the Royal baby hype beings he's the Prince of Detroit.

   In honor of his favorite pastitme Candy Crush. Prince William has announced the baby's name: Reese Crunch

   All this talk about the Royal baby is bringing back bad memories for me. Last time I was third in line for the throne I shat myself in Pizza Hut....

   Getting lots of admiring looks in my new denim short-shirts and halter top.

   People who wish they had a nickel for every time such-and-such happened should raise their prices a little.

   Nothing wrong with shooting people as long as the right people get shot. -Harry Callahan

   Don't sweat the small stuff. Don't sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty butt elsewhere.

   After spending the night with a stripper named KARMA last night, the phrase "Karma is coming for you" took on a whole new meaning!

   Sometimes, I think women should be kept on the wall with a large sign that reads, "Break glass in the event of horny".

   What do you call 10 white guys sitting on a bench? The NBA.

   Enough about the #RoyalBaby. Where's Aunt Pippa??

   Strange to have so many people focused on a single woman's pregnancy who are not Texas republican lawmakers...

   Whatever, England. Our Kate had eight children.