Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This cop is going to look like such a dumbass trying to give me a field sobriety test while I'm invisible.

   X says The royal baby has been named George Alexander Louis? They must watch a lot of Seinfeld reruns.

   Sometimes my brain is like the bermuda triangle...Information goes in then it's never found again..

   Pretty sure I look forward to my boss' vacation's more than he does.

   The royal baby is a day old and is still more interesting than the Kardashian family, kanye west, and Lindsey Lohan combined

   I was sure they'd name that baby King Ralph...

   why fall in love when you can fall asleep?

   i bought a 30 pack of condoms and they expire in 2016. i’m crunching the numbers here and it’s not looking good

   Yeah,, yeah... I'm just putting our meeting in my calendar...... ( shakes etch-a-sketch )

   The baby's name is Prince George. Great! Now what do you all say we stop talking about it until he grows up, puts on a Nazi costume, and gets naked in Vegas?

   We’re all mature until somebody brings out the bubble wrap...

   I'm not sure how people get eaten by sharks... I mean how do you not hear the music?

   Pressure builds on Weiner to pull out early!!!

   Obama was just on the air and clearly read from his teleprompter that he will now put his full concentration into the issue of JOBS! (for the 19th time).

   Kate Middleton & Prince William have finally come out with their baby & to everyone's surprise, it looks exactly like every other newborn.

   If you both of you can just sit together, chill and talk for more than 10minutes without checking your phones, you have just found your soul mate.

   While you make her cry, another guy listens, understands her and makes her feel special. But you are not worried because you think and believe she only likes him as a friend forgetting that a shoulder to cry on can quickly turn into a d*ck to ride on.

   I like to play "I Spy" with total strangers and stare at them and say "I spy an idiot"...

   What is this world coming too when people are more afraid of mosquito's than HIV?

   Obama has lost his swag if Kool's are outlawed on his watch!!