Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Search Messages:
Broke up with Taylor Swift. Her new song “No I Won’t Do Buttstuff With You and Your Stuffed Penguin” is NOT about me. Repeat, NOT about me. 
Ever who the guy was that said the South will rise again had erectile dysfunction.
Eagles wide reciever Riley Cooper has been excused from all team activities so that he can go attend a cooking class with Paula Deen
Karen on Facebook says she is "Taking anger out on the treadmill at the gym" And I commented “You should try taking it out on the ho your husband keeps banging, Karen.”
A woman asking you to make her feel like the only girl in the world is basically asking you to become a serial killer and murder all the other women in the world.
If it wasn't for Google or Bing the world would be full of idiots
Wake me up, before you go, ho.
I'm actually a nice guy once you get to kill me.
I know that my boss is impressed that I can work and stare at my phone at the same time. He just doesn't show it well.
Women are selfish. Why do you want me to make you feel like the luckiest girl in the world? Why not just make you one of the billion luckiest girls in the world?
Marrying your high school sweetheart is gross.
Quitting facebook has made it very difficult to stay in touch with all my fake friends.
Whenever my son asks me to push him on the swing I remind him there's kids his age in China making iPhones.
Men are complicated creatures. Some admire the buttocks, others prefer breasts and a select few pt for the d*ck.
If you piss off a girl, just play dead. That sh*t works with bears and they're almost as dangerous as angry women.
Telling a woman she looks tired is like slapping a lion in the face under the assumption that you're walking away intact.
If she's easy to be around, you have been friend zoned...
Ladies; Please note that men don't respond to words, they respond to silence
You know you are hanging with the right person when it feels easy and comfortable.
Never judge a whiskey by its drinker. 