Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'd say pick on someone your own size, but I know it is difficult to find someone with a 3 inch d*ck.

   Aaron Hernandez, O.J. Simpson and Ray Lewis walk into a bar... Four dead, 11 injured.

   Body of a man discovered in blue, curbside recycling bin in South Boston.... Police say body should've been placed in green, curbside bin.

   I just ate a pudding cup without a spoon (In case you want to lift me up like Simba and present me to your people?).

   Dogs: can be trained to detect bombs... Cats: can be trained to poop in a box...... nough said

   I'm feeling kinda tired but that's OK. There's a nap for that.

   Bacon is fried chicken for whyte people.

   Quierd = new word I just made up of being questionally weird to the point its queer weird. Example: This morning my wife stuck a broomstick up my a ss to wake me up, I felt quierd!

   its better to burp and taste it than to fart and waste it

   I'm pretty sure my wife friend-zoned me a couple years back...

   Seriously Dad, stop sending me fwd emails. 2001 is history...

   I just got a new weed whacker today, And you could say,,,,,, (removes sunglasses) It's got, "Cutting hedge technology."

   I never flush a toilet when the power's out cuz I don't know how stuff works.

   They'll get it later, I tell myself after posets go unliked.... They'll all laugh later.

   What if gravity was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always crap on the floor to clean up...... Wait!,, Just hear me out bro.

   I'm actually really good at computers if you ask my grandma

   I really don't need a girlfriend.... Facebook always ask what I’m thinking, Twitter's asking me what I’m doing, and Foursquare is always asking me where I'm at. All I need to do is find a way to have the Internet make me a sandwich!

   So,, If you're blind and on the toilet, do you wipe until you count to 20,, or how does that work?

   I've decided not to get married until somebody asks

   Some countries have evolved and become more civilized while some still have monarchies (looking at you inbreeding Brits).