Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Not sure why I'm not famous yet...America loves a good train wreck.

   People, put a dollar in the jar every time you masturbate. Trust me on this. {Sent from my yacht}

   i check every shaving cream can for dinosaur embryos.

   Living alone means never having to close the bathroom door or having to spray air freshener when you're done.

   I think facebook was originally invented by pharmaceutical companies as a way to create 50 million new insomniacs overnight and boost Ambien sales. Zuckerberg just took all the credit.

   If at first you don't succeed, it's probably because you're a failure.

   I give $50 a week to Jesus.........my lawn guy.

   If I ever post a joke that you don't like take comfort in the fact that I was clearly for one moment hacked

   Found a bear in my garbage. Why would someone throw out a perfectly good bear?

   If you eat seafood can you go swimming right away?

   A fun thing to do when someone asks if there's a doctor in the house is go, "No but there is A FLY MC IN THE HOUSE!" and just start rapping.

   I'm sure someday I will go to a Chinese restaurant and be mature and able to resist doing Chopstick Walrus, but today is not that day.

   Stop saying you just can't help cheating. Cheating is not a disease, it is a choice dammit.

   Hello Acme? Me again, I'm gonna need a rocket and some roller skates.. Yeah & a sign with the word yikes on it... No I still haven't caught him

   Apparently anal sex is illegal in Iceland. Sadly enough for the American tax payer it's not an issue

   You can never own too many cell phone chargers.

   Whenever a girl says Hi to me, I start shouting "Stranger Danger" over and over...

   I'm in a serious relationship with my wifi. You could say we have a…nice connection.

   Bingo stands for: Bored idiots now growing old.

   Just seen a Cheerios commercial with an interracial family so I've eaten my last bowl of Cheerios.